I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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