the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
