I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
