It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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