i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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