God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
