we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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