Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
