So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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