Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
