Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize