i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
