Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize