Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
