so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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