she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
