On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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