6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
whose parrot is this?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
