I cannot find my penis.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
