I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
