Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
