When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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