he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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