Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
