3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
