So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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