This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
