Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
