I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
