I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
