He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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