you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
