I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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