FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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