dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
