he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
