I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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