dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
