I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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