we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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