Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
