upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
