his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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