I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
