I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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