Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
