i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He felt like a one man threesome
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
