I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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