Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
