You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
