rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
