Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
