My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize