i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
