Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
