the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just pynch a tree in the face
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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