Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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