Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
