I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
