Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize