I feel great
I just peed on a car
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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