I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
