he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
