I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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