People in love make me want to vomit
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize