Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
