it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Randomize
