Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
