Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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