Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
