just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
